I'm taking a class right now about the experience of death and the possibilities of an afterlife. I finished one of our textbooks today [Raymond Moody's Life After Life], which explores near death experiences and identifies over a dozen common attributes that those who have had NDE's describe when they recall that instance in their lives. Some of these attributes include seeing a bright light, perceiving yourself from an external viewpoint, being accompanied by already-deceased loved ones, and feeling an overwhelming sense of love, acceptance, and peace. It's remarkable that countless completely unrelated strangers have described NDE's in such similar ways. It certainly gives a lot of merit to the concept of NDE's as a whole, and raises a lot of questions about the afterlife and the potential existence of a soul.
There was a short part near the end of the book that talked about NDE's that occurred following a suicide attempt. These stories didn't have the comforting white light or the welcoming arms of passed friends and family members. These ones were miserable, unpleasant, and frightening.
It makes me sad to think of what Sid might have "seen" as he died, then, if suicide does not bring about a sweet and comfortable transition to death.
I cried at the front desk today thinking about that.
I am in romantic relationships with two people. [They're a part of a larger polycule, and I guess so am I.] I have never labelled myself as polyamorous, and I still do not see myself that way. It's not a term I ever considered for myself before I met my partners, and it doesn't really feel like something I will ever really identify with.
That's not to say I'm secretly just committed to one partner and not the other. I don't think I'm trying to be something I'm not, either. Well, maybe I am, just a little bit. But I'm not intending to do anything like that. Not consciously, anyway.
I'm aromantic, and I really shouldn't be in any relationships, much less more than one of them at a time. Sometimes it feels alright. It feels like what I imagine love might be like for normal people. Other times, it feels like I'm floating through my relationships with no emotions and no passion. Sometimes it definitely feels like I'm doing both of them a disservice, even if they don't know what I'm thinking.
The worst part is when they tell me they see a future with me. It should be sweet. It should comfort me. Instead, it makes me want to disappear without a trace and never speak to anyone ever again. I don't know what's wrong with me. Since childhood, it was my biggest dream to fall in love. I couldn't wait for things like dates and hand-holding and eventual wedding planning. And I do still want those things, but I know now that I don't want them in the right way, so I may as well not think about them anymore. Right?
I deeply wish I wasn't aromantic. I think maybe I would be polyamorous after all if I wasn't aromantic. At the very least, I wouldn't get imposter syndrome from dating. It must be nice to be able to say you love someone without feeling the underlying guilt of not being capable of the love they expect from you.